Pet Peeves

Sorry for coming off so negative on a Sunday night. I've actually had a good day. Went to Church for the first time in a long time. More on that tomorrow.

I've tried numerous of times to log on to NaNo so I can write. Unfortunatly, I can't remember the pass word I used so I can't log on. It clearly says on the site that I can request a new password, and there's even a lost password tab, but, everytime I click on it, it says 'trouble loading page.' I don't get it.

Pet Peeve #482: Internet Page Load ups...yeah, I can't stand how complex it is to log on sometimes. I can't stand how passwords are encrypted and there's always so much tight security, this isn't my bank account people. It's one thing to not post it publically, but, for the love of GOD, please just send me the email with my password written out so I can remember it! I can't be trusted with paper ... I'm too dependent on the computer and a paperless life! L. O. effin L =)

Pet Peeve #202 - Men who spit/fart/and burp. MAN! If my father does one of the three any more tonight, I'll scream so loud PNN, you'll hear me when you log on! LOL

Pet Peeve #198 - The toilet seat left up. Is my Burger the only man in the world who actually closes the lid to the toilet before he flushes and leaves it closed all the time? I seriously miss a clean bathroom!

Pet Peeve #150 - Friends who say 1 thing but do another. I'll keep those details to myself.

Pet Peeve #123 - Drunk men in clubs. I'm so happy that my days of needing to go clubbing, drinking and meeting men are OVER!

Pet Peeve #101 - Another Internet peeve, the website to my online class has been down all week long. =( The worse part of online classes. I feel so behind on my work ... UGH!

Pet Peeve #97 - Slow moving traffic...

Pet Peeve #86 - Time flies by so fast...

Pet Peeve #79 - Feeling like the only one who likes to be sober...and feeling like the only one who likes to do the social things that are NOT in a club. I mean CLUB...not bar, sports pub or resturant, CLUB. Clubs are for 21 year olds, not 33 year olds! L. O. L!

Pet Peeve #50 - training people about health and nutrition and seeing them not follow through. Makes me feel like I wasted my time helping them. Makes me feel like I'm not inspirational enough to keep them on their wagon.

Pet Peeve #25 - Training myself to work out hard, eat healthy, not drink too much alcohol, and falling off  the wagon because...well...because (everyone else is doing it?)

Pet Peeve #2 - People who interrupt. Unless I seriously need to be interrupted!

And finally, the NUMBER ONE PEEVE I have a lot these days:

PET PEEVE #1 - People who speculate! Ugh...O MY, can I just say that the people who assume they  know it all before they get their ducks in a row are the ones who make my pot boil! Seriously. Which one of 1,001 examples should I use? Uh, an acquaintance I met at the gym thought I always wore sneakers, to work, social gatherings etc...when she saw me out and about with make up and cutesy stuff she said, "I didn't know you were 'that' kind of girl! WHAT? Why? Because the only time she saw me was in the gym. I haven't associated with her in five years.

Whew... I feel a little bit better. But now, I have to figure out how to log on to NaNo...I may just recreate my page all over!

See ya

Halloween Witches and Spells

Halloween is the time of year that's always confused me. As a kid, I loved Halloween. As a teen, I got sick of it. As a young adult, I hated it. Maybe because I worked in a daycare and had to deal with a lot of hyper kids high on sugar. Then, I moved to Boston and my roommates were Halloween fans. I saw Halloween in a whole new world and fell in love with e holiday.After one night in the big city, in bars surrounded by handsome strangers, I was hooked to the holiday and I've been out on Halloween every night since then. I was 26 when I found out I did indeed like Halloween.

Funny, considering I've always loved fiction writing and as a teen I loved in act in plays. Hm, I'm like Joey in Friends!(I can't find this exact clip on youtube and it's not a direct quote, but close enough)

JOEY:  Halloween, it's for the weirdo's who dress up as  someone they're not but want to be....

Chandler - Ah Joey, you're an actor....

This year, I'm going to my friends daughter's birthday party, then, I'm not so sure what I'll do. I'm not even sure I'll dress up.

Dressing up as someone sexy is old news - or maybe - I'm just not in a sexy mood this year. Dressing up as something scary is a lot of hard work. So maybe a simple black dress and a witch hat will do. Either way, I'm not in the Halloween spirit this year AND the damn holiday is on a Saturday night. Go Figure.

Either way, my Halloween's change every year. I don't have much of a tradition, I just go with the flow.

What I like the most about Halloween is certainly all the witches and spells and full moons. I love Witches movies/TV shows like Eastwick; or Hocus Pocus or Practical Magic - just to name a few. I've had plenty of fun in Salem, MA when I lived nearby. I've always loved the history of Salem, MA. I especially love the town, it's so cute!

But, like everything else, I'm sure come Saturday, I'll snap out of my funky mood and spend the night handing out candies to the little ones. Or better yet, go out trick or treating with my 4 year old friend and crew. Because after all, aren't the kids the ones with the cutest costumes?

Beantown Adventures

I finally gave myself permission to get out Friday and visit a friend of mine in Boston. Needless to say, a night in the city was well deserved and just what the doctor would've ordered, if I had one.

The saddest part of the night was the rainy weather. For some odd reason, the traffic always seems to double on rainy days, don't know why. Fortunately, the radio was playing good music and I was singing and dancing to the beats all the way into the city.

As I drove out of the tunnel, entering Government Center, I let out an unexpected girly scream and started talking to...well...Boston.

"Hello Boston I'm home!" I screeched and giggled, "Did you miss me?"

Boston didn't answer.

There was traffic and pedestrians everywhere.

"Oh yes, busy city streets of Boston that no one else seems to like but me...I missed you!" I said.

Boston still didn't answer. I think it's mad at me for leaving it behind.

I calmed down immediately to focus on the traffic. I took a left and a second later, I was at a red light and Quincy Market was to my left. I let out a happy sigh of relief and took in the sights. I turned left and drove to the light and realized I was going the wrong way.

"Oh it's okay," I said to myself, "I'm one street below Tremont Street I can fix it."

Little did I remember, I couldn't. Ooops. The next series of events turned into a moment in my time which I was able to come up with a saying:

"You know you haven't been in Boston in awhile when you forgot that:

A.   Post Office Square is nowhere near Chinatown!

B.   You forget that for every 3 quarters, there's a red light on Tremont and they do not turn green all at the same time!

C.   You forget how expensive parking garages are in the city!"

After turning on a wrong way one way street and circled around, I arrived at the restaurant to meet the friends, I settled down and started to enjoy myself.

 It felt good to be there; the ambiance; the energy; the music, the German beer, the conversations. I had fun and no, I didn't make a drunken fool of myself by dancing on the tables! Which I probably could've gotten away with considering I was in a German bar and everyone was standing near the piano singing!

I also didn't, however, stop talking about the ex whose name I will not say right now. Oh joy, you gotta love it when the beer controls the conversations and the ex is the hot topic of the night.

I didn't drive back to NH that night; I stayed at my friends. I woke up early the next day and I looked around my friends new apartment and was in love with it. There's something about the apartments in the city suburbs that attract me. I love most of the settings, they're old houses, with hard wood floors; and there's a bit of history about them.

We later left to go for breakfast and for the first time in 14 months I was within walking distance to a restaurant and I will say that I miss that so much! I also miss the sounds of the city.

As we walked and crossed the bridge that was over I93 I heard the traffic pass by and then the train pulled into the nearby station. I was quickly pulled into the scene and all of a sudden I felt inspired. Now, I do not have split or multiple personalities but being a writer, especially one with a script in progress, my ‘protagonist' suddenly came to me.

Being that I was with friends and wanted to socialize, I pushed her out of my mind and re-focused on our conversation. As we walked into the diner, I was once again inspired. I took in the atmosphere, the ambiance, the crowd, the energy. It's hard to explain when this moment hits me to people. I want to be a part of the crowd so I usually ignore this feeling that I get. Then I turned to look behind me and what do I see on the wall? A framed picture of Mark Walhberg (for those of you out west and don't know him, he's the former underwear dude, Marky Mark who sang the hit single, "Good Vibrations;" and aka NKOTB sibling to Donnie)

After reading the article and reading the menu, my protagonist haunted me again and as I looked around the diner, I was even more inspired. I gave myself a minute and felt the moment I was in. I carefully analyzed the crowd; the waitresses; the way they spoke; the way the dressed, how the stood and created a new scene in my story and added a 2^nd antagonist was too.

After breakfast and saying our goodbyes, I walked to my car and laughed my ass off as I was once again reminded of how easy it is to forget something that only the city offers:

My car was parked, no wait, ‘sandwiched' in between two cars with about a ruler's length in between my rear and my front end of car.

"Joy."

So, in I got and pulled an Austen Powers.

Reverse; forward; turn wheel left; reverse; forward; cut wheel left; reverse forward, cut wheel left. After moments, I finally got out of the tight space and managed to turn around and head home.

I could've stayed in the city and walked around, it was a warm enough day but I didn't ‘pahk the cah in Harvahd yahd' to walk around. I stopped on I93 bumper to bumper traffic and really thought about it and decided to not stay. I had a lot of writing to do and I needed to do it as quickly as possible. Especially if I was to get to bed early Saturday.

My weekend was sweet and it was nice to reconnect with good friends. I miss the city I do; but for now, I live close enough to visit often and I remember the scenes, the sites, the sounds, the attitudes, the accent, the way they dress and how good it feels to be in a big crowd filled with energy and inspiration.

Just Plain CUTE

I do not normally do this, post emails that were forwaded to me. BUT this one is so appropriate for PNN!

Dear  Lord,

Every single evening 
As I'm lying here in bed, 
This tiny little Prayer 
Keeps running through my head: 

God  bless all my family 
Wherever they may be, 
Keep them warm 
And safe from harm 
For they're so close to me. 

And  God, there is one more thing 
I wish that you could do; 
Hope you don't mind me asking, 
Please bless my computer too. 

Now I know that it's unusual 
To Bless a motherboard, 
But listen just a second 
While I explain it to you, Lord. 

You see, that little metal box 
Holds more than odds and ends; 
Inside those small compartments 
Rest so many of my friends. 

I know so much about them 
By  the kindness that they give, 
And this little scrap of metal 
Takes me in to where they live. 

By faith is how I know them 
Much the same as you. 
We share in what life brings us 
And from that our friendships grew.. 

Please take an extra minute 
From your duties up above, 
To bless those in my address book 
That's filled with so much love. 

Wherever else this prayer may reach 
To each and every friend, 
Bless each e-mail inbox 
And each person who hits 'send'. 

When you update your Heavenly list 
On your own Great CD-ROM, 
Bless everyone who says this prayer 
Sent up to GOD.Com 

Amen 


  

I have a Confession to make:

I have a confession to make about a problem I kind of have:

I

WANT

 IT

 ALL!

Yes I do. A lot of times, people will look at me and say, "You don't know what you want, do you?" I can understand why they may think that, but, my answer will always be the same, "I want it all."

Growing up I wanted to be an entertainer. Sing, dance, act, model and write books and movies (and play instruments). Like Madonna does (she used to play the drums). Well, she also just started to write childrens books, she doesn't have a lot published (yet). Anyway, being a part of the entertainment industry is where I wanted to be. Then I grew up. I'll spare you all those details and say that I ended up doing a lot of stuff; I learned to like new things (that I still like) but more importantly, I ended up doing a lot of things I honestly didn't want to do (I fear that'll happen again in my very near future).

When I started to work out at Gold's Gym in Manchester, NH (in the 90s) I found out about the Fitness, Body Building and Modeling competitions; well, I had already known about them, I just didn't know about the local amateur shows. So, slowly but surely I hired a trainer and started to train. In 2002, when I moved to MA; I met a pro-competitor who introduced me to all the Fitness Atlantic competitors. On 10/11/2003, I competed for the first time. I was an amateur and I looked so awkward. I did well enough to be invited to train and compete again. It was then that I decided to dive in head first and train for a major show in Toronto.

In May 2004, I walked on the biggest stage I've ever been on in my life. At that point, I had 2 shows under my belt and I was confident enough to compete with the best of the best. There were about 250 women, and a lot of them were older than me. Women in their 30s, 40s, 50s. And I even got to watch some of the famous girls who are in all of the fitness magazines you see in magazines on the shelves of bookstores, grocery shops or even pharmacy's. Some of those girls started to compete the same day I did and sometimes, I can't help but think, had I not fallen off the financial wagon, where in fitness would I be today?

The real answer is this: all I really want out of it is a hobby and I want the experience to write about it. I want to be able to help women with their health goals and their fitness goals. The most amazing feeling was, during those years, co-workers, including people that I met once or twice, (I worked for a big company that employed over 500 employees and some people that knew about me through word of mouth) were emailing me and asking for my help so they could lose those extra 10 pounds or if they thought they should spend $250 to join a gym and they wanted all sorts of other advice. I loved it and to be honest with you, I still love to talk and advise people about health and nutrition.

With the fact that I want to write, I have to say being a fitness and health writer is so important to me. I know I want to see my articles in Fitness for Her; Oxygen; Shape and plenty of others. There are other topics I'd love to write about as well, browse my page and you'll see the different sections, and one that I haven't added and that's travel.

So the question is right now, is being a writer a great way to have it all, in a sense? I know I may never act in a movie, but, to write about the actors in a recent movie is good enough for me. I may not be able to design a few dresses but to write about the hottest trends is just as good. I may not win first place in a Fitness Model show, but, to write about the winner is an awesome thing. I would love to write a biography about the winners. To write about the experience, the journey; sharing tips, idea's and helping someone along way, well, that's awesome. In conclusion, to take all the things I love and to write about it in a fiction story, well that's just priceless. With all the things I love, I create my characters and my stories come to life.

So there you have it; from the girl who wants it all, there's only ONE thing I honestly want in the end, and that's a paid writing career...one that allows me to write about the million different topics I love.

(and I'm not going to be happy until I get it!)

My Loss

I'm back in New York, sitting in Burger's room waiting for him to come home from the garage.

I haven't been on PNN or the net much this summer - the most horrible thing happened and I'm mourning the loss of my lap top.

I know I know - it's replaceable but, uhm, yeah, like a couple hundred dollars replaceable.

Anyway - I have a lot on my mind. I'm sitting here, waiting for him and reading blogs. It's the first time I've been on PNN since the death of my lap top.

So much is happening right now, I think taking a break from blogging might do me some good, until, things are better anyway.

Hope everyone's having a nice summer!

18 days left!

I don't know why I chose beer to be what I gave up for 30 days; actually, it was because of the empty fatty calories that's in beer. I don't know why I even went and added the rule, no other alcohol. It's not that I'm thinking of drinking tonight, although, I would like a glass of wine; the real plan was no beer, not wine - that was just a side note. Right? Although tonight I'm thinking of tasting a glass of the Red my boyfriend bought, I'm going to stick to my guns. 18 days left, after all.

I think what I should've quit as well as beer, instead of wine, was bread and pasta. See, you don't need bread or pasta to survive. There are healthier alternatives. Bread and pasta are pure flour and don't have any nutrients, or anything healthy in them. Wine, researchers say what they will about the healthy doses of 1 glass a day keeps the doctor away; Wine still has sugar in it...hmph.

So yeah, maybe today should be the day I give up bread and pasta and other fatty carbs like Doritos. Anything that's pure flour and processed. I do have to fit in a cute dress this July.

My boyfriends sister is getting married the 3^rd of July. I do want to look good even if I'm not in the wedding; my boyfriend is a grooms man and the least I can do for him, is look sexy by his side. He'll be dolled up in a tuxedo and I'm sure he'll be hot. I am looking forward to this wedding. She's going to have a fountain of pink something, I think it's cosmo's. Not sure, I forgot, either way, it's a luge or a fountain and I can't wait to drink the stuff.

Oh Cosmo's; I watched the Sex and the City movie on Sunday; trust me, I wanted a cosmo. Instead, I passed on that and drank some water.

Water tastes good by the way; really good. I'm going to drink another flavored water now.

Take care,

Happily stuck in Transition

(please forgive my capitals, I'm emphasizing, not screaming! I'm happy!)

These past few weeks I've been so busy I lost some control of my time. I'm busy with my writing class as well as training to work as an LNA. So blogging has been set aside. As well as reading blogs.

It's funny how my life has changed. I want to be a writer ...and I am but I'm not paid. As I train for my new 'day job' the people in my class talk about becoming LPN's or RN's and they ask if I want to do that too. I have to say no, BUT, if the opportunity were there would I really say no? There are hospitals that hire LNA's and if you want to be an RN, you can take night classes at that hospital for an affordable fee. Sounds good to me but my dream is in writing.

I read Larissa'a blog about becoming a television journalist, and that was once my dream. It's like, why is it that the one thing I want to do with my life I can't do? Oh wait, I know the answer.

1. Journalism is competitive.

2. You got to be very outgoing, and nosy to be a journalist.

3. It's a VERY serious job. We all know what main stream media is all about so I wont write it out...

4. I tried and I didn't fit in 100%. I'm a good writer but I'm not 'in your face' like the really good journalists are and besides: I am so much happier to write fiction.

Working in health care and setting my goal to be writer makes sense in that I LOVE the health field. I can't afford to travel like I said I want to so travel writing has to be put on the back burner for now and I"m not a personal trainer at the gym because I don't have the patience to deal with an annoying client that comes to me once a month, pays me, but, DOESN"T take my advise and NEVER loses the weight because of all the excuses! Granted, I'm still paid but still, what's the point in training someone that isn't helping themself? Weight training is my sport, I love it so much I can't help but be offended when I hear excuses to not do it or when my advise gets put aside. I guess I should just leave weight training for me to do alone, so no one can hurt me I guess.

Being an LNA in a nursing home is VERY humbling. The elderly NEED help. They CAN"T do anything anymore. I've already worked with women that can't move any part of their body, if they do, they just swing their arms aimlessly and exceptionally slowly. I feed them 'pureed' food, or baby food if you will because they can't eat normal food. I find tear's at the edge of my eyes several times a day. One day, I may be the 105 year old woman that can joke with my LNA but can't move or bathe  myself. OR I may be the 80 year old who's a vegtable. The one who can't walk, talk or even understand what's happening to me. I don't know but what I do know is that my life has changed. I feel as though my dreams are about to come true but the journey to make them come true is not where I thought I had to go.

It's true, if you always do what you always did you'll always get what you always got. So now, I've changed one direction and I see the light!

In my writing, I've come across the famous stumbling block that ALL writers face when starting a story. It is a phase that NEW writers stumble upon. It's losing interest in a story. I hate this phase. With all of the new information that I'm learning in my screenwriting class, I feel as though the story I wanted to write is no longer there. Any advise that my experienced writer friends may have is welcomed! Please! ~SMILES and laugh's out loud!~

So now, I have two story idea's and I'm stumped. Where to go now? ~smiles~

Right now, I should be studying for my LNA test tomorrow as well as for my finals next week. With the NYFA website being down, I can't write my story so I may as well take advantage of time off from writing.

All in all, life is good. I'm just in transition and feeling good about it.

Today, I promise

Last night, I was once again suffering the pains of insomnia. When I say pains, I mean, tossing and turning and those long hours of just laying still, starring into the darkness, only to see the clock go from 11 to midnight to 1 AM in a matter of minutes, or so it seems. The frustrations, the anger, the unknown kept hitting me hard.

I got up and went downstairs. I wrote a different beginning and ending scene for my story, just to see if I'd like it better then the original, we shall later see if I do or do not. I read a few more blogs and then turned the computer off, hoping to fall asleep on the couch. Needless to say, I didn't. I lay there wondering why. Then I decided to make a new promise to myself.

I ask, why wait until January 1st to make a New Years Resolution? Why not now? So, I said to myself, "Today I promise to live as positively as possible." I took a deep breath and decided that every ounce of anger, fear, frustrations and annoyances should disappear. I have a lot on my mind. I have 1 amazing thing a few good things going for me and I need to hold on to that. I thought about Burger and realized that if it's meant to be, it'll be because he loves my positive attitude. Right now, it's tough and everyone wants me to think about why I left him. I sigh away the negatives and I'll blog about him later. Moments after promising myself to be positive, I fell asleep.

Everyone knows about my new journey to NYFA and that I want to be a writer. Everyone also knows that a writing career just doesn't happen to you. It takes a lot of work and even freelance writers need an income because writing articles here and there only pay so much. The truth is, since I have to have a job, I decided to go somewhere I've been wanting to go for a long time.

Now, I'm not going to look back. I've tried to write this blog in my head all day and I wanted to say that even though the title to my blog is, "A Look At Life from the Rearview Mirror," there's a part of my past that is no longer visiable in the rearview mirror.

For those of you who may want a better understanding of my title, it's basically meant that I talk about my past experiences, lessons, etc. you get the picture. But, like when you drive a car, there comes a time you look in your rearview mirror and a part of the road your driving on is no longer visiable. That part of my road is working in an office, sitting a desk, answering phones and being the receptionist, or the administrative assistant. I can't handle talking about those past jobs anymore. I can't handle another "temp" job nor can I handle another assignment that may or may not be something that I'll do for a few more months. So today I decided to look in a whole other field. One that I've been researching for the past year or heck, longer. I have some possible options and I hope I'm making the right decision.

I am the driver on the road to my life and if I have to be in control, I'm going to do what I have to do to be a writer first.

Then I'm going to keep working out because that's what I love to do. It keeps me healthy physically and mentally and it makes mem happy. I love to work out and I love to help people with living healthier lives. Whether or not I'm in a gym or blogging about it.

More importantly, I'm registered to train as a LNA or CNA whatever you may call it. I've been given many opportunities to do so this past year and I've turned them down and why? Because I feared that it would take me away from writing. Before Burger and I split, I was taking PCA classes and when we split, I lost that job opportunity as well as the chance to be a CNA. So now, I'm accepting the job and I'm going to work in nursing homes. Hey, my office experience is working in an Insurance Company offering Long Term Care Insurance, so I understand the nursing home stuff from an office person position. So why not do it from a nursing assistance position? Why sit in the office getting yelled at by people because they don't understand their insurance? During my 'office' job days, I often thought of switching the actual nursing home but, I didn't do that now did I?

I don't know what my future holds but I do know that as I work hard to be a better writer and I work as freelance writer, there's no reason to have a day job doing something I hate like waitressing or working in retail when I can be helping people. This is going to be a tough road but I have a feeling I'm meant to do this. I have taken care of a lot of people in the past and everyone says I'm good at it. Even former bosses AND the one that fired me told me I'm excellent with our clients, so why not switch to really helping people? I'll put in my 8 hours and focus on my writing at night or day, whatever time of day I'm not working my 'realistic, down to earth' job. Hey, I could volunteer as a Personal Care Giver on my free time and work a day job I don't like or I could turn my assisting people/senior citizens into a real day job.

I have the feeling this will have something do with helping my writing. Probably a lot more than the jobs I assumed would help me more.

So, Today I PROMISE to lead a positive life and even though my day job is in a nursing home, my life is in writing and nothing will take that away from me.

Life, and everything in it.

I got to thinking, I've been thinking too much these days but I got to thinking about life and everything in it.

People always have opinions and idea's and we should take their advise and sometimes I'm left thinking, huh?

People will always say that money doesn't buy happiness; or that you can't snuggle up with your career at the end of the day. People say looks aren't everything. People always say you don't need this.....or that....or this...and they also say that looks aren't everything. They'll tell you it's not the material possessions that matter, that its all about relationships, with your family. They'll tell you it's not about going to the gym everyday or about wearing the nicest gym clothes.

All the negative things they can think of, huh?

In a lot of respects, I do somewhat agree with them though. I've been thinking about how amazing it is that so much has changed in my life in less than 2 years. If at 30, someone would've told me that at 33 I'd be where I am today, I wouldn't have believed them. Because I had a plan. I had goals. I had a savings account. I had a job and talent; better discipline. My life kept getting better until I turned 32.

I could write about everything that kept spiriling out of control but that's not the point of this blog. It's about the reality that you could lose everything in a heartbeat. You lose your job; your health insurance; your earnings; your savings; your house; your car; your healthy habits.

People say to be happy you have your friends and family but guess what you can lose that too. Your friends can choose to leave you tomorrow and there's nothing you can do about it; a husband/wife can dump you too. Just like if  a family member can lose interest in you - it happens. Families split up sometimes. Or your friends and family could die.

People say it's not your looks that matter but when I think about it, that's my body your talking about and that's something that is mine that nobody can take away from me. That healthy, slender body is mine. Sure, opinions about (ones/my) physical appearence are subjective but my youthful appearance are mine that were not given to me. I didn't go up to a boss or a teacher and say 'hey can I look like a 22 year old woman until my mid thirties?" No I did not.

But guess what? If I choose to eat junk daily, I'll loose that appearance. One day I'll wake up maybe at 35 and I'll go from looking like I'm 24 and I'll look 60. Who knows? Or maybe I'll wake up and my overian cysts will be cancerous. Who knows?

Then I think about the people that tell me that goal to sell my writing and that my goal to be published or to sell a movie are far fetched but guess what? I'm talented. I have an ability to write, create stories. Just like I love to dance; lift weights and that I could do another amatuer fitness compitition and yet people still roll their eyes at me thinking I'm weird for having so many wild aspirations. (notice, I said amatuer, as in hobby anyway). But, that's my goal your talking about. That's my interest. My hobbies and my life and you know what?

Tomorrow or today, I could get into a bad accident and break my legs or my back; or a piece of glass could stab me in the eye and blind me. Anything is possible and I can lose everything.

But as quickly as I can lose it all. I can win it all and good things can happen too. I could become a better writer if I keep trying. I could be a better competitor if I keep trying. I could get a nice apartment one day and a nice car one day. All of these things you can earn and you can lose.

The moral of my blog? APPRECIATE EVERYTHING YOU HAVE! I don't care how petty you may think someone else sounds for wanting a career; or a nice house; or a nice car or that they want to be a professional dancer dancing with Madonna or to be on the cover of a magazine or if they just want to buy a nice house and live in the suburbs with a husband, a dog and kids. Those 'things' are someones 'wants, hopes, dreams.' They can earn those things you know; and it may not be important to you but it's important to them. And what's important to you only matters to you. So in conclusion,

APPRECIATE EVERYTHING YOU HAVE WHILE YOU STILL HAVE IT!

You can earn a lot in a few short months sure sure; but you can lose it all to. So enjoy it while it lasts. Love it while you have it. Dwell in it. It's all good!

If I had a Billion Dollars

If I had a billion dollars, my first expense would be a vacation to Europe. I’d visit France, Prague, Astoria; Germany; Switzerland; and I’d eventually make it to London.

I’d visit Africa and Egypt and Tibet. Then I’d fly south to New Zeeland and end in Australia. I can imagine after all my travels; I’d be tuckered out and would be in need of a vacation! So, I’d fly to Hawaii to rest on the beautiful beaches of Kauai; Waikiki and Maui.

Traveling for me may never get old, so I’d come home to the States and visit California; it’s always been my dream to drive across the entire State of Cali and the U.S.A, so, I’d buy a nice RV and start my travels home to NH, visiting as many coastal States as possible (excluding FLA, I’ve seen that State enough times!)

Would I be out of my 1 billion dollars at that point? I would hope not, because I’d need a place to live and I’ve always wanted a beach house. I’m sure I’d find one I’d be comfortable in Cape Cod; where I wouldn’t be far from family in New England. It wouldn’t have to be a big place, just enough room for me to entertain guests; a quiet room, my writing room, overlooking the Atlantic Ocean. At that point, I’d invest the rest of my cash into Real Estate so I can continue to profit. I’m not stingy or greedy because I’d donate the profits to charities and resume the rest of my life as a writer, a travel writer and a novelist. In my spare time, I’d find a way to teach writing to children and teenagers.

That’s all I’d really want to do with a billion dollars; Oh, I almost forgot, my immediate family would be well taken care of as well.

Writing Outside,

I've always wanted to be that girl that got to sit by the pool side, typing away on my lap top; writing my fiction. I've done this thousands of times, growing up, except I was using a notebook and my hands would get tired, my fingers would get numb and my pemenship would get worse. I used to write in a journal while sitting on the beach; or by the lake. These are the places I feel most comfortable.

 In my parents back yard, there are tree's everywhere, so the sun is tucked inbetween branches. I've been waiting to see the sun for awhile now and it's nice that it's out; but for writing purposes, it's nice that I have shade, so I can sit in this comfortable chair and type away - on my lap top. 

Although I can see my reflection in the computer screen really well, I can also see everything I'm reading or writing.

There's a cool breeze; a neighbor is mowing his lawn; another neighbor is using some sort of tools to saw some wood; there are birds chirping. There was also a truck passing by a minute ago. The noise is annoying and comforting at the same time. It's nice to know there's life out there; but as comfortable as I am, sitting here, I am at my parents house. Still unemployed an unsure what the hell to do next.

I'm heartbroken; been crying all day, listening to sad, sappy break up and lost love songs. I've been texting my boyfriend all of this time; we're in mutual agreement but it's still hard as hell go separate ways. I have to go back there, I still haven't moved out. Parts of me doesn't want to leave, but, I'm forced to remember why we are splitting up in the first place and I'd hate to re-visit these feelings again, in the future.

I need to get a move on; earn some money, find a place of my own and find direction. My plans are in the works, but, my plans are scheduled to happen within weeks. So I suppose I could take advantage of these next few weeks to heal; to rest and reconnect with myself.

For now, I'm just going to write and enjoy the rest of my late afternoon, typing away while sitting by the poolside.

Summer Star

Summer is here and now's the time of year where I shine like a star.

Yes, I have changed my name and my page name and design and to be honest with you, I love this name!

When I first started with PNN, I didn't know what to call myself. There are already so many cool names on this site, I felt defeated. But I knew that I loved coffee and espresso; so I started with a simple, basic feel. For weeks, I wanted to change my name and couldn't think of anything. Everytime I had a cool name in mind, someone else either had it, or it doesn't fit my current life situation. I'd love to be Genevieve in the City; but, I don't live in a city anymore. I could've done Genevieve at the Beach, but, I don't live near a beach. I once had a blog name, Secrets of the Hub, but, I don't live in the HUB anymore (aka Boston). And that blog was all about the Hub life.

I never understood why choosing a name for myself has always been so hard for me. I can name other things, like books; blogs; caats, dogs,  homework assignments or a name for someone else, no problem but for me, HA! Yeah right! Why is that?

Summer Star is basic, as was Espresso girl. Truth is, I'm not a girl anymore, as much as one might not think much of that word. I'm a woman and to be called girl, was uncomfortable. That's just me.

Summer Star speaks volumes of me. No matter what season it is, I will always love summer. Star's also shine brighter in the summer; okay, not always but none the less. It doesn't matter how old I'm getting, I still love summer and I'll still be a star!

No matter what happens though, I'll still always be a coffee and espresso fan.

As for the city theme on my front page, that's just to represent that I love cities and for the record, it looks like I'll have a job in the city of Albany next week!

Amazing, things do seem to happen when you're not looking!

My 30 Day Challenge

I wanted to share a journey I'm on. Last week, on Oprah, Jenny McCarthy started a blog about Giving Something Up for 30 days. She challenged her readers to give something up and I chose alcohol.

I could post my progress on here and myspace...or I could lead you to the page...I think I'll post it in both, it'll make it easier for you!

8 Day's and going STRONG!

I have to admit, this first week of my challenge, no alcohol for 30 days has been rather easy. It's very common for me to not drink on weeknights. However, I did hang out with my dad in NH this week; he did make a big spaghetti dinner and popped open a bottle of red wine and as good as it looked, I said no to a glass.
Every time I opened the refrigerator, I kept seeing that Michelob Ultra Lite bottle and I didn't want it either.
On Wednesday, I stopped by a friends house and her man had made a Malibu Rum and Hawaiian Punch drink and it looked like it would taste so good, but, I passed up a glass. It wasn't hard to say no; I didn't get a craving nor did I have to sit on my hands; run to drink a glass of sweet sugary soda nor did I feel like screaming.
I've been over dosing on water however. Water tastes so good by the way; if you haven't tried a glass, I recommend you try it!
I've also treated myself to some cookies and ice cream; that was unexpected but, I didn’t over indulge.
Tonight, I sit here and I have no cravings for anything. Not for sweets or salty foods; not for wine or beer. My favorite part is that I even applied for a job at a beer shop today and didn’t feel the urge to buy a 12 pack.
I think I'm ready to jump back on my work out, Miss Fitness Diva wagon once again.
I remember when I felt like I feel right now; it was those days I paced the room just waiting for my next trip to the gym. I would count the days until my next cardio-kickboxing class; I read books and magazines on weight lifting and exercise. I'd write in my journal and I would look for fun things to do that were active, like rollerblading on the Minute Man Trail in Arlington, MA; or long walks on the beach or just to get out for a walk around Cambridge, Boston, you name it, if it was active, I was doing it.
Maybe I did drink too much this past winter; but whatever, I'm over it.
I'm ready to workout - to eat - to sleep - and maybe to compete. Hey, it's a habit worth repeating, right? Once you've got the competitive bug, it hardly every goes away!

Tonight, I added an extra challenge, if I crack and drink alcohol, I start my 30 days over the next day. Right now, day 30 is Memorial Day and that's incentive enough for me!

Life in little circles

Moving to a new place is never easy. It can be exciting but not easy. When someone chooses to move out of their comfort zone and start a whole new journey where they do not know anyone except 1 person, it can be even more challenging.

To let go of our place and start anew takes a lot of courage and a lot of patience. It takes a lot to leave behind what you loved so much, to start elsewhere and hope that maybe, just maybe you’ll love the new place just as much as the other.

A wise manager of mine once said, “You have to pick your poison.” I agree with this statement because as much as we like to believe the grass is greener on the other side, it really isn’t.

Sometimes when we believe the grass is greener over there, it might be wiser to stay on your own side of the fence and continue to look on, admiring the view.

When one does jump to the other side of that fence to start a new life, they have to learn a lot of new habits. It could be learning to move to a bigger city and having to deal with more traffic; or having to take the train to work; or maybe moving to a smaller town where you have to drive everywhere you go, including work. This can be a bit tough.

It’s not easy to learn a lifestyle where every thing is far away, it takes more time to get stuff done.

This may sound strange but to some people, it may be hard to learn to live in a small town where everyone knows your name.

In my personal belief, it’s so hard to go somewhere and hear that everyone knows about your ‘dirty laundry.’ It does take a long time to accept that.

It could be because in grade school, kids gossiped and didn’t become friends with someone different than they are. Then we become adults and learning to like people different than us becomes easier and more interesting.

The small town mentality is “everyone knows your name.” You all have common ground; you all went to the same school or took dance with the same dance instructor, even if it was different years. In a small town, someone is always there and someone always has your back.

The big city mentality is knowing who you are and defending yourself. You realize the only people you know are the people at your work and not so much the people in your building.

For some people, not knowing your neighbors can be scary; for others, it can be comforting. There’s a  little bit of truth behind the old saying, “what you don’t know, can’t hurt you.”

Others however, fear what they don’t know.

Personally, I’m not sure there’s a right answer here, but I prefer to not know.

I don’t want to know what Lizzie Somebody did last Friday night; nor do I care if Johnny Doe has rats in his basement. More importantly, I don’t want to be friends with my ex-boyfriends new girlfriend because honestly, he is an ex for a reason. Moving on with your life means leaving behind the ex-boyfriend and I have learned from personal experience that living in a bigger city gives you the opportunity to move on with your life a lot easier.

Although it is a good idea to part ways with the ex in a friendly, respectful manner its not necessary to attend the same parties. Then again, there might not be a right answer to that one either.

Knowing somebody who knows somebody is a great idea for business purposes. In this economy, with everyone losing jobs, it’s probably a little easier to get a job where a friend works. Not so much because you want to work with your friends but because you might not have any other job prospects. Word of mouth can be a good thing, don’t get me wrong.

Having an open mind can be good because you allow yourself to see others for who they are and not what you want them to be. Tolerance is the key to learning life in a new place that is a little uncomfortable.

People say the city has more violence but usually the violence happens between people who know and dislike each other. Yeah, there are times when you’re in the wrong place at the wrong time but you don’t have to live to in a big city for that. There are drunk drivers in smaller towns and there are angry people with enemies in smaller towns as well; the thing is, with more people in the bigger city, it’s easier to get away with crime because people don’t know you and they don’t talk as much; they probably were not paying attention. In smaller towns where everybody knows your name people may fear getting caught because they know people gossip. Everyone is always on the look out in small towns and the gossip could lead to lesser crime due to well, people just talking about they see in Debbie Doe’s driveway. Simple as that.

There are two sides to this story and there are no right answers, the important thing is, knowing what you prefer.

Sometimes it means stepping out of your comfort zone to find your place in this world. Sometimes, leaving it all behind teaches you to be more appreciative and a lot more tolerant. Sometimes, leaving it all behind should be temporary.

Loving thy Single Self

I've been in a relationship with myself for 33 years. In those 33 years I've had plenty of friendships and a few relationships. I've dated a lot of men.

I've had my heart broken plenty of times and to be honest with you, some of the poeple that have hurt me the most were not exactly boyfriends.

I am going out on a limb here to talk about the most important relationship a person should have and that's the relationship you have with yourself.

Whether you are single; married or dating, if you can't have a good relationship with yourself, who else can? How will someone know how to be your friend if you can't be your own friend.

In my personal experience, I've met so many people that have had low self esteem and just couldn't wait to meet "the one." To these people, the only way to happiness is to be in a relationship.

I may not be a psychologist nor am I a sociologiest and I'm not an anthropologist but you don't have to be one to know that if you treat yourself like crap, do not be surprised that someone around you will start to treat you like crap. That's only because that person believes that's how you like to be treated. IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to treat yourself with respect and to surround yourself with people who treat you like wise.

In my single days, I felt a sense of completion. Friends and family, moreso family, constantly harrassed me to find a man and settle down. I resented absolutly anyone who dared to ask me why I was single and I put up some pretty intense fights to defend myself. I will always have the back of someone who is single.

Single life shouldn't scare anyone. Single life is a time to be with yourself. To get out and enjoy yourself and do the things that make you happy. It is a time to spend as much time in the gym without a time limit. It is the time to go shopping where you want or eat what you want to eat without having to compromise.

Single life isn't about being alone all the time either. It's about developing friendships with people you find interesting. It can be someone you meet at Church or someone you meet at a bookstore; or work. It's about getting out of your comfort zone and exploring life beyoned your limits with people you wouldn't normally meet.

I know a lot of people think that being single means not having anyone to be with; or that single people are lonely; or that single people just want to get out and party and drink and go to bars and hook up with random strangers for a one night stand. The truth is, it's not exactly like that; that night out in the bars is a very small part of being single. You can't assume that partying is the only reason why people are single. Also, I"ve personally witnessed a lot of couples who love to go out and party all hours of the night and day.

Life will always be about living in the moment and no matter where you go there you are. I think that could be one of my favorite quotes.

Loving yourself isn't only about what others think of you but its also about what you think of others. I believe it is important to be comfortable with yourself first because other people will have bad days; your partner/spouse will eventually have quirks; bad habits and so forth and you have to understand that its human nature to be sad or to be weird.

You also should think about loving yourself to understand that, some people will disagree with you at times and it's only to help you. Not to make you feel worse about yourself.

Once you are whole heartly comfortable with yourself and are in love with yourself, trust me, you will see life in whole new way. You will see others differently and eventually learn to love them, which in turn will make them love - or like - you. It's all cause and effect.

Love yourself first. This blog shouldn't be the first time you read that statement. This is just a blog. I shouldn't be the first person who has pointed out the importance of having a fulfilling and deep connected relationship with yourself. I shouldn't be the first that tells you that you reap what you sow.This blog isn't advise or an opinion you should take to heart.

I'm just a writer, one who loves to look at the world around her and observe what I see. I love to analyze and question the ways of the world. I love to talk about the differences I see in human nature. I love to explore the unknown and unfold a mystery. I love that I have an open mind and open heart. I love that I'm capeable of loving those who are so different than me. I love that I can handle an opinion different than mine. I love that I know my limits and I love that I can accept the different opinions; morals and values of another human being. I love to be challenged and to be questioned. It makes me feel good to know that someone will dare to criticize me.

I love that I'm a health nut but can take a step back and enjoy a glass of wine or a piece of chocolate. I love to exercise but I also love to be lazy at times. I love to understand almost anything - and if that's too much for someone else to handle, that's just not my problem.

You don't have to like me or like what I write. There are a lot of people who do. It's all subjective. If you disagree with me, tell me, you're only making me a stronger writer and person! So thanks for the help!

What do you love about yourself and what did you love the most about being single? Do you love to be challenged or to do you prefer to only be with people who agree with you?

Love for my Pet

I've had 14 roommates in my life, yeah, 14! And that's not including the girls I've shared tents with in Girl Scout Camp. 

Anyway.

Out of all the roommates I've ever had, I finally found my favorite roomie. His name is Leroy and he is the cutest little fur ball I've ever lived with.

I've never liked cats or any other animals except horses. Being the sole owner of a pet has never appealed to me. I was a bit nervous to move in with my boyfriend and his cute little monster. Needless to say, I was wrong about cats, living with him is rather pleasent.

He loves to sit on my clothes; he's made hisself comfortable on my comforters and blankets. He wakes me up in the morning and follows me around everywhere, especially when he's hungry (I think my boyfriend taught him that trick). He loves to sit on my lap and usually trys to fit next to me and my laptop. He's so curious about everything and now, he's curious about my business on my laptop. The other day, as he tried to find his spot on my lap he literally just took a quick peek on my screen, if I could hear his thoughts, I'm sure he was saying "what the hell is she doing on that thing?"

He's a smart cat. I swear he knows what we talk about around him; he knows when to respond when we speak to him; he meows thank you when you feed him; he even showed me where he vommitted one evening. One day, as I cried all alone, he was starring at me, cocking his head left to right as if to ask "What's wrong?" I love his little gestures and most importantly, I love when he and I cuddle.

However, I still don't understand a few things like why he "kneeds" a spot before settling down or why he chooses to sleep at the foot of the bed when we sleep at night, especially considering he doesn't like to be (accidently) kicked off.

None the less, he's my favorite little creature. From the minute I wake up to the minute I fall asleep, he brings a smile to my face.

Laughter, the key to love and friendship

It is a joke: I don't need children, I have a boyfriend.

I't s a joke I like to say when I walk into our apartment to find him, my boyfriend, sitting at his computer with his buddies sitting on our bed watching a movie or something else; or making meaningless jokes about...nothing. It's funny to them but not to me.

I've always been told that women mature faster than men. So, when a woman finds herself in a committed relationship with a guy 7 years younger than her, it's no wonder she rolls her eyes, instead of laughing at his jokes.

Do not get me wrong. He is a witty one, that boyfriend of mine. He does make me laugh; so hard sometimes, I actually fart. Thankfully, he and I are over that embarressing moment. We have to be because if we weren't, I'd have to tell him to stop making me laugh. Then we'd have a boring relationship.

I always wondered why our bodies react so oddly when we laugh so hard. Our stomaches tighten and for some odd reason, we hold our breath. Why is that? Sometimes, we'll laugh so hard, we cry and that's what I love about laughing; especially with him.

In 7th grade, I had a friend who would wait at lunch time, until I took a sip of milk before she would crack a joke; it was always a funny joke that would make me laugh so hard, milk would shoot out of my nose. I never found out how I had the ability to do that. Even though she stopped doing that, she still makes me laugh. It's the key to our uhm, 20 year friendship.

Laughing; crying because we are laughing; or crying because others our laughing at us...whatever the reason...laughing and crying together is the key to any meaningful relationship and friendship in my life.

I blame that on my family - but they are another topic for another day.

Lots of love -

Espresso Girl