Sexy Beautiful in My Thirties

 The very first time in my life I honestly felt sexy, I mean really sexy beautiful was the summer I was 24 years old. I've always had an interest in fashion and clothes. I remember thinking I was pretty and thinking I was dressing fashionably, but I never felt it until I turned 24.

I was single; I was club hopping and I was wearing some of the most daring outfits I've ever worn. I was making some money and it helped me buy the clothes I loved, not just the nice clothes but the clothes I loved. That winter, I fell off the wagon again because I was a broke college student and because I hate winter so much, I usually dress for warmth and comfort and we all know what that means. It means the outfit isn't flattering.

The following summer I went back to work full time. I had graduated and I was job searching for a Paralegal job. I worked full time in retail to keep me busy as I went from interview to interview hoping to find that attorney that wanted to hire me. I was buying nice business outfits and I was always leaving with one sexy outfit to go out in that following weekend. I swear there was a new outfit in my closet almost every other day. Keeping up with my looks was important to me and as time went on, I kept finding more qualities in myself that were beautiful and that boosted my self esteem.

It wasn't until last fall when I looked in the mirror and couldn't recognize the person starring back at me. Granted, I've lost my job and I'm no longer making the money I'm used to making and my life has changed a lot, but I didn't understand why I no longer looked good or felt sexy anymore. It's a feeling I've been trying to understand for 7 months now and over the weekend I realized something.

I'm living with an amazing man who loves me. Why aren't I making more of an effort to be beautiful for him? Why do I have to criticize myself to hear him say "You are beautiful?"

More importantly, why was I always looking good when I was single - when no one was around to appreciate it and I'm not doing that now when someone loves it?

This past weekend I tried something new, I'm home alone all day so right before he comes home, I clean up. I curl my hair, put my make-up on and find something casual and sexy to wear, for him. He loves this and he tells me. I've also noticed something else, I recognize myself again. Out of all the times I dressed nice and looked my best, these are the days I should be looking my best or better. Some of you are probably rolling your eyes and thinking, I shouldn't have to go the extra mile to look sexy for my man because he should love me for who I am but the truth is, I shouldn't become someone I wasn't when I met him. He fell in love with me when I was sexy; when I wore the cute lingerie to bed, so why is it that now that we live together, I should put that away and torture him with my oversized sweaters and sweatpants?

Plus, I feel better when I look better.

Although I'm not a mother, I'm just a girlfriend, I feel the need to reinvent myself. I do look a little different then I did last year but that's okay. I think what's changing the most about me is that I'm getting older.  I think that's why I lost sight of myself.

Being 33 is not so old, but it's not 23. I feel uncomfortable wearing all of the clothes you find at Abercrombie and Fitch and most importantly, I hate running into a 20 year old that's wearing the same outfit as I'm wearing. I feel uncomfortable when people tell me I don't look a day over 25. I think some of that reason could be because a lot of the clothes that are now popular are a come back from the 80's (what I used to wear as a teen) and that doesn't make me feel so grown up. Does that make sense?

I'm looking to stay sexy and to keep up with the beautiful clothes I'm accustomed to wearing but I haven't quit figured out how to do that and look my age. I need to get rid of  some of the outfits I bought when I was 26 because they are too small and out of date but, I just don't know where to look for something sophisticated, sexy, dressy casual and most importantly, age appropriate. (Oh yeah, and affordable)

There are thousands of sexy beautiful woman in her thirties and there's no reason why I shouldn't be one of them.

Pampered

I love to pamper myself. Actually, I prefer to go to a salon. I guess I'll have to admit it, I have lopsided eye sight, so, tonight, when I tried to wax my eyebrows, I messed up pretty bad. I was so sick of seeing bushy brows with little hairs spread sparatically around my eyes that I just warmed up that bottle of wax and went to work.

I got wax all over my eye, even on my lashes. Had to wash it. So, I took the tweezers and started to tweeze. Notice, I said tweeze. I once knew a girl who cried, "We're not chickens, we don't pluck our brows!" LOL! So hence, I say tweeze.

Right now, one eye is thinner than the other. I'm scared to fix it. I'm hoping my boyfriend can help me out when he gets home.

A few years ago, I had blond streaks in my hair. I was running out of money so I couldn't afford to touch up my roots. This was two days before I went to the New England Patriots Cheerleader tryouts. So, I had to fix my hair. I went to CVS to buy a box of color for like, $6 or so. I went home, applied the color and timed myself according to the directions. When I walked back into the bathroom to look at my new color, it was bright orange! I'm talking pumpkin orange! AHHHH. Thankfully, the hair salon was opened and he let me come in to fix it. Which sucked because color correction on my hair length was $80; instead of maybe $25 to just touch up a few streaks.

As for my nails, I can't seem to keep them the length I want or even, to keep them looking, even. I can wear my glasses when I give myself a manicure or a pedicure but I prefer to go to a salon. They do a better job. I can't apply color myself because I always make a mess. I have to face the facts, I'm not good with my hands. My boyfriend is so much better at applying polish to  my nails than I'll ever be, so what do you supposse that means about me?

If I had a bottomless bank account, I would make monthly, or bi-monthly visits to my salon; like I did a few years ago.

Right now, a day at the spa for necassary pampering is needed!

Holding on the Old

Maybe you’re asking yourself why I have a Fashion section if I consider myself to be a relationship blogger.

The truth is, I have a serious relationship with my clothes. I'm not lying. I'm not saying I have a shopping problem, although I do go through those phases of endless shopping and excessive spending sometimes, my problem with my clothes and shoes is that I hold on to them for way to long. I honestly still have sweaters in my closet that I bought when I was a senior in high school like, 15 years ago.

Yup, I can't let go.

I have about 5 or 6 pairs of knee high boots in my closet; at least 4 of them have ripped worn, jagged heels yet, I still wear them. I can't get rid of them. In Boston, they have shoe repair shops on almost every street corner. I've yet to find a shop near my hometown.

I guess you could say that my problem with being attached to my old shoes and clothes carries over to other parts of my life.

I'm one of those people that hang on to things way too much. I hang on to my problems; I hang on to the pain. I hang on the past. I don't forget and I rarely forgive.

I'm quick to dream about the future but slow to act on those dreams. I'm so jaded that I have a hard time believing that there's hope.

You see, if I were to get rid of my boots, then I'd have to replace them next winter. Replacing them is expensive and who's to say I'll be able to afford it? Like everything else in life, there's no answer to that right now. No one can predict the future accurately. 

Moving to New York was such a culture shock. I'm tired of new. I'm sick of learning new; I'm sick of not having something familiar and to be honest, I'm sick of looking for a job.

Last weeks' job fair was fine; as was my job interview but the reality of my situation is that I'm probably going to need to find a new career and today, my boyfriend and I are probably going to visit a school - but it's unlikely. I'm changing my mind as I write this.

I don't want a new career. I want to continue to work in either law or journalism, those are the fields I understand the best, and the fields that I've spent a lot of money on to get that damn degree. That's where I can be myself. I live in New York dammit, why is it so hard to find a good job? I know, I know, I live almost 2 and half hours away from the big city. But it's still so strange how different it is here in the Upstate than it is down there.

The big City of NY, where the best writers live and work; where the best fashions are; where a lot of movies are made, where the sexiest of shoes are sold.

Oh heck, why am I trailing off? I just want to say that my old clothes and shoes are more comfortable then anything new I'll probably buy.  Just like struggling to make it as a writer is more comfortable then finding a new job in a promising field that I've never considered going to in the first place.

Did I make a little bit of sense? Maybe not, I need sleep and a strong cup of coffee.