Born To Be Still

(this was written on March 11, 2008 & posted on myspace) 

We waited nine months for a baby, instead we were given an Angel.

Death steals beauty

Death isn't kind

Death hears no laughter

Death is blind

Denying pleasure

Death knows no age

Death knows no sex

Death happens to seniors - to adults - to teenagers - to children - to unborn babies.

Death didn't understand that 10 (& more) people were awaiting a new life - a time to become a mom; to be a dad; two men looked forward to grandfather-hood; two women anxiously awaited to be grandmothers; two younger women awaited to be aunts. Two children awaited the birth of a new cousin.

Death didn't care to rob us of all of that pleasure we so longed for.

Beauty was in her purple lips and in her chubby discolored cheeks.

Beauty was in her hair; her long fingers and long toes. Beauty was there but so cruelly taken away.

She never breathed air or felt her mother's hugs; never felt her father's kisses. She'll never be spoiled by either grandparent or get to travel with either one of her grandmothers.  She'll never see her aunt's hip & stylish New York and Boston lives. She will never get a chance to get in trouble with her cousins.

Dreams are shattered hearts are broken.

Love was found in the pain; as we stood crying in an empty room waiting to be filled with the joys of a child; all that is left is the memory of a pregnancy. Love dried the tears.

Disney princesses and fairytale stories; sweet lullabies and Dr. Seuss riddles will not be told or be heard.

Stillbirth is far too common; thousands of women (and fathers) all over America have to suffer the pain of giving birth to a dead baby. Stillbirth happens to beautiful, kind, generous and amazing people.

Stillbirth shatters hearts. Stillbirth cuts like a knife.

THIS IS DEDICATED TO MY SISTER - HER HUSBAND AND THEIR BEAUTIFUL STILLBORN DAUGHTER

MERCEDES CAROLINE C.

(BORN & DIED 3/7/08)

Joys of Aunt~hood

I have been in North Carolina for a few days; in these few days, I've felt an overwhelming sense of happiness. My sister lives here and I've already announced the birth of my niece in a previous blog. Believe it or not, this is the first time since her 1st week birthday that I've seen her. Yeah, she has gotten big; but more importantly, she's developed a personality! She’s one happy little lady.

I'm in a place in my life where there's not much to brag about; yet, the happiness I'm feeling is exciting and well deserved. Not to mention, that I have been sleeping so sound fully since my first night here. I’m unsure why. I've been exercising; going out for walks alongside the lake; and the rest isn't much to brag about; except, my niece is one little lady worth bragging about. I find it amazing how much love I have for her; I didn't know I was capable of a love that brings tears to my eyes when I'm with her; or even think about her.

At three months old, she still can not control her head, so it bounces around; it makes me laugh at her awkwardness; not because I'm mean; but because she makes silly faces and noises as her head wobbles. Her reflexes are not yet developed, so she makes goofy faces at unexpected times. Some of those times, it's at the right time. Like the other day, I was calling her name for her to look at me, she wouldn't; and then all of a sudden, she did but she stuck her tongue out when she did and then she quickly looked away from me; made me laugh. Earlier this evening, my sister put her down on Kami's blanket that has a lot of toys on it; but Kami started to cry; my sister asked her what was wrong; she asked her if she didn't want to play; Kami tossed her head from left to right while letting out a cry that sounded like she said NOOOOO! All three of us (me, my sister and Kami's paternal grandmother) burst out laughing because we all knew what it sounded like. Not much to our surprise, Kami stopped to cry when my sister picked her up.

I'm back at the condo now; the condo my parents own as their vacation home not far from where my sister lives. I'm lonely; I'm happy but I know this alone time is good for me for many reasons. What I hope more than anything else, is that when the time comes for me to face reality and settle down, whether or not it's here or back up in New York, that my happiness is still stuck inside of me and that this positive attitude I've adopted in a few short days, sticks with me. I have a niece to answer to, after all. BTW, I mentioned my nieces real name in this blog, it is Kami Grace. After my sister reads this tomorrow, I'll ask for her permission to post at least one picture of her; maybe the one of me holding her. Until then, I'll be online, thinking and reading and going to sleep. For all I know is that my sister and I have big plans for tomorrow and I need to be ready!

LOTS OF LOVE FROM YOURS TRUELY, SUMMER STAR

Sometimes, I don't Know, means, I don't Know

I'm not sure where to start with this one. So I will try my best to not drift off and babble.

Whenever we're (all of us in general) in a position to need answers, "I don't know," can be the scariest answer we get. So we speculate. It's easy to speculate, isn't it? Our ideas, thoughts and opinions are usually based on our past experiences. It's important, however hard it may be, to not assumer that "I don't know," is going to eventually result in bad news.

If you do not know already, last year (March 7, 2008), my sister was one of the 26,000 women who unfortunately delivered a stillborn baby. It was one of our family's most difficult losses and one that's been hard to get over, even to this day. She was fortunate to get pregnant again.

Last Saturday, my parents and I drove south to visit her. We waited patiently for her to call us, but she never did. We finally found out she was admitted into the hospital, for she was in labor and ready to deliver. Only after 8 months.

We had a long night, just waiting for the news. Around 6:30 Sunday (4/19/2009) morning, one of us needed answers. Why hadn't she called? So, someone made a phone call. The nurse that answered the phone at the hospital, informed us that she "did not know" the status of my sisters labor and she was not allowed to release further information. That sent one person in my family into strict panic and fear. Of course, the pain we felt about losing my first niece was alive and fresh in our minds, it was hard to not prepare ourselves for the worse. For 2 hours, we sat in limbo, praying for the best.

Around 8:30ish, my brother -in- law finally called and I heard his voice come through the speaker as he told my dad the best of news, "Everything is good, she was born around 8 or so!"

How do I explain in words the feelings I felt? Elated? Ecstatic? Excited? That's a start! I ran into my mother's room to shout the good news and without realizing it, the three of us started to cry out of happiness. Every time I think of that moment, I tear up.

At that moment, we decided to get ready to go to the hospital. Can you believe 'we took our time?" What where we thinking? After all that anticipation you would think we would've run off to see her in our underwear! But we ate breakfast first.

Sometimes, I don't know means I don't know. The nurse followed protocol and the HIPPA laws. Plus, my sister was busy delivering, so of coarse she didn't know her status.

I considered myself to be an aunt last year but I had felt robbed of actually being one. I was left with memories of my sister's pregnancy. I will not forget the little one we lost, but I'm on a new journey to becoming a role model to an important person in my life. I'm ready.

I have fears. I'm a little nervous, especially since I live so far away from her. All I want to do is be the best aunt I can be and I hope I can do that living long distance. I can say from experience that I don't have an aunt that I personally can look up to, so of course I fear that I may not measure up to my own expectations, I just hope I don't disappoint her.