The Joker and the Clown

My first 'love' relationship experience sucked. I was 16 turning 17, a sophmore in high school and a very shy teen. It took me a long time to move on from him but he didn't make it easy for me to. Everytime I was strong enough to move forward, he'd come back. I wasted six years of my life for someone that was mean, dishonest, verbally and eventually physically abusive. He had friends and for the most part, those guys stood idly by not defending me.

Last spring, I ran into two of those friends on facebook. I haven't seen this ex of mine whom I'll call, The Joker, in ten years and now I can say I'd like to keep it that way. One of his friends accepted my friends request but never made contact with me. That was smart of him. I deleted him last week because I just didn't see the point of keeping him on my page, we never talked.

The other friend, whom I'm calling The Clown, however, wrote to me. Being a grown up, I figured it wasn't a big deal to reconnect with him. BIG MISTAKE. I thought he was mature and all grown up too, but, I learned that he wasn't. I met up with him one afternoon, it was uncomfortable. Afterwards, he kept sending me messages calling me hot stuff and sexy and asked me out on a date. I said NO, I wasn't interested. I deleted him from my page in August and hadn't heard from him since. 

Before I deleted him, he told me he was still friends with The Joker; he even told me that he told The Joker he's talking to me. Big Wow, I don't care. But it was a reminder as to why I should never connect with The Clown, let alone go out for drinks with him.

The fact that I'm working on keeping my relationship alive with Burger wasn't reason enough for The Clown to back off. When I deleted him from myspace and facebook page, I felt realived. I wasn't thinking about The Joker anymore and I felt like I could breathe again. I wasn't afraid to log on to Facebook, because when The Clown was my friend, he'd always send an Instant Message and it was so annoying.

My long time friend Asia went out with The Clown our freshmen year in high school, needless to say, she regret's this but anyway, she agree'd with me that The Clown today was still odd, weird and we were both uncomfortable around him. She also deleted him from her facebook page.

Last Friday night at ten o'clock I got a text message from The Clown. it was odd; he asked me what I was up to; my first response was, 'who is this?' he told me his name, then I asked him what he wanted, he repeated his original message instead. I responded by telling him that I'd appreciate it if he could stop sending me messages because I was not interested in talking with him. I was honest. So, in turn, instead of being a mature man and accepting it, he responded with the following message:

'Nevermind your a f-n stupid space shot n e ways......Do everyone a favor & kill yourself."

I didn't respond. I told Asia about this and she told me that at that moment, he was trying to ask her out for drinks. Hm, interesting. Why does this CLOWN want to see us again when he knows clearly that she and I are in relationships with real MEN that we love? Secondly, why is he taking this rejection so hard and responding hostile? I haven't responded since and fortunatly, he hasn't sent any messages since then either.

I have been wanting to call him out on this for a week so thanks for reading, even if it was confusing. I've been wanting to tell Burger about this but I didn't want to make him mad. It's on odd message for that Clown to send to someone he doesn't know too well.

Oh by the way, notice how he wrote, 'n e ways' instead of anyways, as if putting the letters a n and y together is so much morework then n space e space....

What a clown.

From witch to sweetheart

I used to be that girl, the one that really didn't care about dating. I used to think that men were 'in the way' for the most part.

Remember that Sex and the City episode when the girls were looking for soul mates and at the end, Charlotte said, "I know this sounds crazy but, what if we were each other's soul mates? And guys, they're just people we hang out with."

Well, that was me and my attitude. Men were good for many things, like, buying me dinner or a few drinks. They were good company when it was an important game; or they were just good to have around from time to time. But they were nothing more than just an accessory.

A lot of people criticized me for that. I was haunted by relatives about my single life. Questions after stupid questions kept coming my way, ‘why don't you have a boyfriend?' - ‘don't you think you're pretty enough to have a boyfriend?' - and my favorite one, ‘are you a lesbian?'

All of these questions are unjustifiable and unnecessary. I was a happy single girl making her way through a crazy, busy city filled with hot shot, ball busting corporate CEO's and successful people.

I was inspired by go getters, those with clean cut lives and fat wallets. My friends and I were ball busting at the gym; men were intimidated by my strength and I laughed in their faces. I didn't care what they thought. I worked out twice a day; I had a job in the legal field and I had friends in cool jobs.

There was a time when my friends went out and a kind of cute guy kept approaching me saying, "You look so good tonight!" I smiled and said "thank you!"

A minute later he came back, "You look so good tonight!" I'd nod my head, smiling and thanking the ‘drunk.'

A minute after that, "did I tell you that you look good tonight?"

My eyes grew big and I said, "YES I KNOW YOU TOLD ME THREE TIMES ALREADY!"

Other times I'd ask a guy why he was talking to me if he wasn't interested in buying me a drink?

The point? I didn't want a boyfriend and I wasn't doing anything to get one either. I was fine, alone and successful.

I had a goal; a plan. I also had money. I was making it and saving it. I had a nice car; a nice home and a lot of nice clothes and more important, I had direction in life. I didn't have a lot of fear. I had a work hard or go home attitude.

I wasn't one to fall in love so easy. I didn't have an ounce of romance in my soul nor did I have a soft care giver sense (for relationships that is) either. I did it my way. It was hard but so what, no one was in my way.

Then I met him. Well, there were a few men that did make my heart skip a few beats but they were quick to leave and I was left single, alone and available to commute to Upstate, NY to date him, Burger. From then on, it was all downhill.

I went from cold hearted bitch to soft sweet innocent and quiet doll. At first I couldn't admit it but after I moved in with him, it kept getting harder and harder to deny. It was a relief at first to be with someone who wasn't so uptight and demanding. To be with someone so lax and to live a  quieter, slower pace of life was a nice break. But I also fell in love.

It's odd, that a girl with so much fire under her belt falls in love with someone who puts out that fire.

Since then, finding a job and making money got hard. Everyone blamed it on the economy but, do you want to know something funny? I don't know anyone else that's unemployed and struggling. As a matter of fact, all my friends in Boston are still with same company. Interesting.

I lost my style; I lost my speed and I became a sweetheart. I became someone who shut her mouth when I disagreed with someone. I became someone that everyone thought was ‘just quiet.' I wasn't myself in Upstate, NY. I was....someone in love with a man and without a job. I went from being ‘Miranda' in Sex in the City to being ‘Charlotte.'

Bull.

Why is it that when we lower 1 standard, in my situation, allowing myself to fall in love, everything else falls apart? How and why did I allow myself from being ‘anti fast food' to  enjoying a McD's burger from now and then and thinking it's just okay to be around smokers and heavy drinkers?

I guess I just didn't know how to fall in love. I let myself get ‘carrie'd away.'

I guess I let that be true, that women in successful relationships are the ones who are not ambitious, driven, successful career women. That women who become wives are the women who let the husband wear the pants in the house and on the job. Women who are wives let men lead the way. Who shut up and say, ‘yes honey, you're right.'

So if that's true, why is it that I always meet older men, older than my father say to young men starting out, "Your wife is always right."

Why are relationships such a battle? Why are men from Mars and women from Venus if in the end,  we're supposed to be together? How do two planets become one?

Am I wrong? Please tell me I don't have to be a bitch again to get a good paying job that allows me to earn a savings account all the while maintaining a long term successful relationship with a man because honestly, I'm too old and tired and exhausted to be a bitch and being a sweetheart caring person is a lot more fun. Life from Charlotte York's p.o.v is just so much cooler!

So how do I do it? Be a sweetheart and win?

Blinded by the Diamond...

It was early one warm spring morning in’08. I got on the commuter rail in Wakefield, MA heading toward North Station in Boston. I sat in the front of the train’s car, in a seat facing the other woman; the woman that made my heart skip a beat. I didn’t feel attraction toward her, don’t get that heart skipping beat thing wrong; she just looked familiar, that’s all.

I couldn’t help but look at her carefully, wondering if I should say hello. She didn’t look up or at me; she just sat still, reading her book. Next to her were a blue L.L Bean back pack and a black purse. I can’t remember the specifics; I just remember her tanned skin and her blond hair, neatly pulled back into a tight bun.  She wore short black pants and a pair of cute flip flops. She was beautiful; the kind of pretty blond that always makes me feel like a tall lanky dorky brunette. I noticed her toe nails were polished and her finger nails were long and perefect looking and that’s when I was blinded by that shiny diamond on her finger.

I blinked my eyes and the diamond was still there. It was a huge rock probably 2 or 3 karats. I carefully analyzed it without being obvious that my eyes were glued to the rock; it was on her left hand, on her ring finger. I bit my lip forcing myself to not smile; she’s engaged I figured. Usually, I’m corny enough to be friendly and say “Excuse me, I love your ring!” to an absolute stranger. But she looked familiar. Surely, she couldn’t have been ‘his’ girlfriend, could she have been?

I hadn’t seen him in awhile; nor had I met her. He and I just emailed each other, especially when I need guy advise and I saw pictures of them on his myspace page.

'He' is the one guy that’s never been more than a friend to me; but the guy I once had a crush on. You know the one I’m talking about right ladies? He’s hot; you want him; he likes you but he keeps you in that category; the category we all hate, the ‘one of the guys’ category. When he talks to you, he talks about boobs, dirty sex and chicks and all so called locker room trash talk and you wish he’d just shut up about because you want him to notice you as ‘a woman.' One that could potentially be his. But, you simply accept the fact that he’s your bud because you know at that point, he’ll never see you as his girlfriend.

I didn’t want to stare at her; I wanted to look away but the shiny diamond ring kept starring at me. I was tempted to speak up. But I was afraid of how that conversation could be like.

**

“Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice your diamond. It’s so gorgeous!” I’d say to her.

She would look up with a warm, giddy and friendly smile and say, “thanks,” and stare at her ring.

I’d be corny enough to say, “With a huge rock like that I’m sure the proposal was romantic and special.”

She’d smile again, with a giddy laugh and would excitedly tell me in a dreamy voice: “Yeah, he proposed in Paris, by the Eifel Tower.”

**

I closed my eyes tightly and shook off the fake conversation that accidently played in my head and starred out of the window until the train reached North Station. I forced myself to think about work; we had four hearings that day; one large one and three small groups. I had to finish typing the Judge’s mastery decision from the other hearing. Did I order the lunches for the larger hearing? I forced those thoughts in my head; I had a busy day and no time to worry about whether or not the girl who sat in front of me, was the woman that was engaged to my bud; the friend I don’t hang out with anymore, probably because of her (not that I wouldn't mind meeting her but ya'll know how that is, lol); he's the friend I may lose after he gets married, probably because of the stupid crush I used to have on him.

We reached North Station and I sat still, waiting for her to leave while I continued to stare out of the window before I stood up to get off the train myself.

Later that night, I went home; logged on to myspace, checked his pictures and was convinced that it could have been her.

But it probably wasn’t.

To Change or Not to Change, that is the question

I have been reading a lot of the blogs and the comments about relationships; Ms. Santos Random Thoughts blog about How to End a Relationship is sitting deep in me right now. I've admitted that my boy friend, Burger and I have been a break. Last week, when I came back to move out; he and I started to talk and decided to try to work this out. Our 1 year anniversary was last Wednesday; so yeah, breaking up was especially hard.

What's been bothering me is this whole thing with men not changing and women changing; and this comment on her blog about, men don't change; women do; and men don't want their women to change. I have to question and I question this respectfully...

LADIES, FOR REAL? Am I to sit here and let myself strey from my own identity and to simply please a man; or just be in a relationship - for the sake of being in a relationship? What ever happened to building a life together? How does a couple build a life 'together' if one is going about it in one way and the other is going the other way?

I do not fault people for falling in love with their opposite. It's happened to me. I think however, there comes a time when the couple needs to sit and compromise. I believe that when differences are so great, like mine and Burgers are (his blog name, btw) the relationship feels the stress and it starts to fall apart. When 1 person is always alone to do everything; when 1 person is always working hard to make things work, and the other is sitting there, with the 'oh well' attitude. It comes to a point where the question is, why are you in a relationship if everything you do is alone?

I remember when I was single I used to say, "I'd rather be lonely because I'm single; then to be lonely because my boyfriend is doing something else, without me."

I guess it's time to remind myself of how happy I was when I was single. That I used to be the one that can be alone; and that I found a strange, inner sense of happiness to be single. I guess it is time to get back on the wagon, to get back to buisness. It's time to stop sleeping in, and to wake up, smell/taste the freaking coffee and get my life back.

You're right ladies, women shouldn't have to change their man. Men wont change, then fine. Don't make them change; so why should women change? Burger used to tell me I didn't have to change; he wants me to be the same woman I was when I lived in Boston. The truth is, IT IS IMPOSSIBLE for me to be that woman. WHY? Because, the mentality between Upstate, NY and Boston is different. The lifestyle is different; the attitudes; the perceptions on career; money; housing; social activities,,,EVERYTHING is different. So, for me to be the same person I was there, in a town where everyone around me is on a different page, is impossible. I tried; I worked as hard as I could; and I put a lot of thought into it and I have to say, I'm more annoyed; my headaches are bigger and my stress is worse. I'm sitting here, at 10:30 in the morning, waiting for him to wake up so I can see him before I leave. Thing is, he will not wake up. He went to bed at 11 last night and sleeping is his thing. Sleeping late; as the day passes by. I've never been that way. I used to be up by 8, finished with my workouts, my coffee and breakfast and ready to conquer the world. That was a year ago...now, I barely know who I'm looking at in the mirror. It's sad; very sad.

Comedy v. Chic Flicks

I love the movie, "My Big Fat Greek Wedding!" I was so excited to watch it with my boyfriend last night because he to, loves comedy.

However, I learned 5 minutes into the movie that he didn't find it funny; not long after, he said it was disappointing, because it wasn't like the movie "Wedding Crashers," like he thought it would be; the movie was  romantic.

Yeah, okay, maybe it is a romantic comedy. But it's still a comedy after all, right?

OR could it be that it was written and narrated by a woman's perspective?

Wedding Crashers is about men going to crash weddings...so, is there a difference? The only distinct difference is who wrote and narrated the film and I'm slowly learning, correct me if I"m wrong, that men in comedy make men laugh but woman in comedy, may never make a man laugh. Unless of coarse, she's crass and sexual. Unless, you make fun of her. Or she makes dumb sex moves. Unless it's about boobies and vagina's. Yeah, sex comedy, that's what men like. Right?

Kind of like, House Bunny. My boyfriend liked that one, sort of. I did, I loved it.

For the most part, my sense of humor is dry; my favorite humor is one that I can relate to. I like movies that are real and are funny because of something that happened, like, I don't know how to explain it but, if you loved My Big Fat Greek Wedding, you'll understand.

WAIT! The comedy I like is the comedy that the actor is trying to NOT be funny, but to be real. Do you know what I mean?

Todays comedy is a little bit off the deep end. For example, the spoof's are going to far. I'm not so sure I get it. Like, are the comedians who write spoof's so untalented that they have to resort to making fun of someone else's work? Can't they come up with an original idea? I guess I should look into that. For the record, if I do watch a spoof, I can laugh at some scenes and laugh at the stupidity of it, but, I will never think of a spoof comedy as talented comedy. Sorry.

Am I a bad person, or do I really lack a sense of humor because I don't think a guy who accidently squirted seman all over his self funny?

There are male comedies that I love and they are all not crass or dirty, sexually funny. Not all physical comedy is funny.

I don't know why, but I don't like high school humor anymore. I get it though. I do want to write for teens and younger adults, but, I don't understand Superbad; but I do like Knocked Up. I don't think Pineapple Express is funny; but, Role Models was funny. The Love Guru, which is rated the worst comedy made, is actually funny, considering how bad it actually is. I do like Will Farrel for the most part, but not all the time. I sometimes like Jim Carey, in small doses. Same goes for Adam Sandler.

I love older comedy like the FIRST American Pie; or Road Trip. I love all John Candy and Chevy Chaser comedy and of coarse, Chris Farley. What happened to those comedys?

So in the end, am I the only woman in the world that has different taste in comedy than my boyfriend? Do all men overlook and feel suffocated when they have to watch a romantic comedy/chic flick?

Men versus Women

Men versus women

Mars versus Venus

Men and women are different and we have different expectations of each other. Who is easier to understand and to please?

Men are visual creatures. They love beautiful woman and when they fall in love with and commit to her, it is because she is beautiful on the outside as well as in the inside.

Men tend to have a difficulty understanding women because they assume that all women are alike but I think they know we are not.

All women are different. I don't care what you say, we are all different. I do believe it is harder to please us because we all have different expectations and if you are wondering why?

Then the reason is this, we have come a long way since the 1950's. Women have come from being the stay at home that takes care of all the household choirs; the children; the husband; to wanting top executive jobs; money, independence, etc. We all have different opinions about women's rights and the feminist movement. We've been through a lot in a few short decades and it's certainly a hot topic for another blog; but to stick to the point of this blog, I'll tell you that even though we women are different, there's a few questions men have asked me about women that I'd like answer.

Men want a poster beautiful woman; one who tends to her appearance both physical and mentally and emotionally. However, when he is with her and learns how she lives like this, he's thrown into a whirlwind of confusion.

He wants her to be slim, yet expects her to eat pizza, chips, wings, fries, cake, ice cream, etc, etc. He gets frustrated with her careful meal planning and her excessive work out routines.

He decides he wants to go out to dinner in 20 minutes and wants her ready and beautiful in a snap of a finger. If you're that guy that wants your girls make-up, hair and nails prim and proper in time, be ready to wait for her. If you see her painting her finger nails, don't expect her to get up cook dinner or wash dishes right after she's finished painting that last nail on her finger.

Men want women to be smart but not smarter then him; they want her to make money but not more than him. They want to her to have friends and a life of her own, but wants to be able to tell her who she can and can not hang out with. Am I right or wrong?

Women have a tendency to move on from her life when she's involved with a man; but men rarely pass up their own friends to be with her. I've counted more women then men that have moved away from home to live with her boyfriend in a different state or city. I've counted more women than man who have a whole new lifestyle after committing to a relationship.

Men ask the common question, why is it never enough for women? Men wonder why women are never happy. Well because men look in all the wrong places. They assume we are alike and we are not. There are a variety of different women and the number one rule to follow is to go for the girl that does think like he does.

If you don't think it's important to work out everyday, don't date a chic that was working out all the time before meeting you.

If it's not important to you to becoming politically active, don't date a politically active, feminist.

If you're a home body, don't date an active body.

If you love the Red Sox, don't date a Yankee fan.

Unfortunately, love isn't that easy. A lot of couples fall in love without knowing it. Because love is confusing. We can't help it. It's just common to be attracted to our opposite.

We just need to remember that when we do want to develop a relationship with someone very different than the other. We also have to be able to know our own limits.

How much will a person change of themselves to be in a relationship?

Nobody can answer that question except you.

If men could stop thinking woman are all alike, they may be able to understand his girlfriend better.

Men need to do one thing to understand his girlfriend/wife and that is: to listen to her. To truly listen to her with his ears, eyes and heart. To not question her; to not compare her other girls and to certainly not expect her to change.

It can be that simple.

Battle of the Sexes

This section is not intended to be personal or based on my own life; it is intended to discuss different points of views on women and men. I will write a variety of different topics on men v. women; in sports; work and so forth.

When I used words like "he," or "she." I'm speaking in general terms. Not about a specific person.

I don't have all of the answers and I'm completely comfortable hearing different points of view.

I love to research, read and write about our differences.

All opinions are welcome and acceptable as so long it's not disrespectful.