I'll be okay

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I told myself I wouldn't do this; I promised myself to be okay with this.

I will be okay.

The truth is I spent all of last spring and all summer long looking for work in New York City. I was accepted in a film school; I was awarded a $10,000 grant. I was approved for a fat loan.

I didn't find a place to live. I ran out of funds. I didn't get to go there one day or 2 to walk around looking for work. I know I'm not the only one that's had to feel the pain of having to turn down such an awesome opportunity. But, today was supposed to be my first day in school. I forced myself to not think about it.

When I found out about the loan, I bounced off the walls. I was so excited. I kept playing Frank Sinatra's New York New York song. I even sang it out loud, at the tip of my lungs.

I didn't want to announce it however. Something told me not to. I wanted to find a place to live and I wanted to be settled in my new apartment before I blogged about it or left a facebook update. Something hit me in the heart and said, ‘not too fast Gen!'; I didn't want to have to explain why I didn't go somewhere I was supposed to go. Which is why it is so weird that I'm blogging about it right now.

I can't help but wonder, if I would've blogged about it, things may have been different? I don't know.

I guess MTV's VMA is the reason I'm feeling so melancholy.

When I turned to the channel yesterday, I choked up. I cried a little.

"I was supposed to be there!" I said out loud.

"No, no Gen; you're not because you would be there if it were meant to be." I later said to myself.

However, I'm in a situation where I don't understand "why don't I know how to make it happen?"

I have an answer.

There are a lot of nay - sayers and I'm sensitive. People, for some odd reason or another, have an ability to say the right things and stop someone from going after their dreams.

"It's expensive!"

"It's a hard place to make it!"

"You don't have to go to NY to be a writer!"

"Come back to reality!"

"Aren't you too old to be going back to school to finish something you didn't finish years ago?"

"It might not be in your deck of cards to make it!"

The negative responses go on and on and in the end, it is my fault for listening to them. It's my fault because I let them make me feel inferior.

I saw a way to make it happen; but, for some odd reason, there was a step missing. I didn't know how to get there from where I was.

I wondered today; why is it that we grow up, become adults and all of our childhood dreams are washed ashore? Why do we say, ‘I faced reality and walked away from those dreams'? Why are our childhood dreams unrealistic? Why are there more people that don't follow through with Plan A? True, making it to the BIG time is hard. There comes a time you have to face reality about your talent, I understand that. What I don't understand is how come if one does have talent they can't make it happen?

In my situation, it takes a little bit more money; and it's going to take a different attitude. I guess I don't need a "F. U" attitude but I'm at my breaking point. There were times in my past when I was confused about something and it wasn't until I got angry that I found what I was looking for. Is that what it's going to have to take to get me to NYC to do what I have to do? Anger? I have already told people that I don't care what it takes I'm putting my foot down and I'm making it happen this time no matter the cost.

My head has been spinning a lot lately. New idea's and thoughts keep crossing my mind. Someone told me that this is normal, but, don't give up. It's nice to know at least 1 person cares enough to say something positive.

What I refuse to hear another time is people assuming I didn't want it enough. That's BS because if I had the two things I needed, I'd be there. A little bit more money and an apartment. It takes more than ‘want' to get to the city. It takes money to make money.

Last night, Alicia Keys and Jay Z closed the night with a new song. If you don't like rap, you may not get it. I'm not a big rap fan myself but you all know I like Alicia. I've listened to the song they sang last night  on youtube a lot today. The chorus hits me in the heart. I know it's easy for Alicia and Jay to sing it, they made it:

"New York; concrete jungle where dreams are made of; there's nothing you can't do; (down in NY?) These streets will make you feel brand new; these lights will inspire you; New York New York...." (ok, I may not have all the words right, I'm just listening to the song as I write this ha ha! Lol)

Okay, so I'm a Pisces and I may have that against me. But, isn't there still time to make it there? I don't want to talk about my leaving Upstate, NY but a really big part of me wishes I never left Upstate, it was after all, 2 short hours from the big city. I haven't changed my address or anything yet; a part of me thinks I'm going back soon. But maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe I'm just too jaded. Or maybe this is the first lesson I'm supposed to learn about how hard it really is to make it in NY. Maybe that's why Frank Sinatra sings, "If I can make it in New York; I can make it anywhere!" Because getting there and making it there is hard as hell!

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